An article in my local paper today talked about expulsions of students from area schools. It focused on the experience of one child ten years old who had started a new school after numerous problems at a previous school. According to the article this boy, after only an hour and a half of school, started swearing and giving the finger to his teacher. At recess this child started a fight with another fourth grader, kicking him in the face. He was expelled.
How such children should be handled in the public school system is a very complex question. And I do feel for this child and his family. There's clearly something wrong. I don't pretend to know what is motivating this child's behavior or what kind of home life he has.
The story does though raise in my mind something that I have observed for some time as a substitute teacher. Some kids have very little self control and very little self discipline. They make teaching very difficult and they greatly interfere with the ability of other students to learn. I know that what I see in a great local Catholic school is nothing compared to what is happening in the public schools. I assume that these children cannot control themselves because their parents have never made them. (I do know this is a simplification and some cases are rather complicated.)
Why are some parents so hesitant to make their children obey? Obedience is a very unpopular concept in our society today. I see parents actually negotiating with defiant children, instead of telling them to do what they are told or accept the consequences.
Today's parents don't seem to think it is their right to make a child do something if the child doesn't want to. I don't understand such thinking. Shall I put it more strongly? I think they're nuts. Parents are supposed to be the ones in charge. Even our laws reflect the judgement that until a child is eighteen he or she does not have the ability to make all of their own decisions. And they indeed do not always know what's best for them!!
I was once part of a coop nursery school where the parent helpers were instructed to avoid using the word "no" or "not." It was too negative. Instead of saying, "Joey, you may not throw the blocks." We were to say, "Joey, you may build things with the blocks." My response was, HE ALREADY KNOWS HE MAY BUILD WITH THE BLOCKS. WHAT HE NEEDS TO KNOW IS THAT HE MAY NOT THROW THEM. This was not an acceptable viewpoint in the nursery school. And let me tell you we had quite a few injuries from kids getting hit with blocks. It seemed so foolish and really quite unfair to the kids. All kids want to know where the limits are. What some parents don't seem to get is that limits start where consequences begin.
I love my children. I do explain to them why they must do certain things and not do others. I let them tell me why they object. I listen to them. They may say whatever they want to me as long as it is said respectfully. Occasionally I change my mind after listening. But they know that the bottom line is that mom and dad make the rules and they must follow. They also know that if they look at us and say, "Make me," we will. I think setting limits enforced with consequences is an essential element of good parenting.
8 comments:
Bravo!!
It's not going to hurt their little egos to hear the word "no" when they need to.
It hurts them more when all they hear is "yes."
It is the right and only way.
I love St. John Bosco, as you know.
Learning to love with giving boundaries, consequences, isn't always easy, but we have to keep trying! The grandboys were over this weekend and they were using alot of silly "boy" talk about bottoms and all that...you know what I'm getting at and we must have had to calmly tell them and a couple of firmly times, that we were a bit sick of hearing about butts. Well, they finally started getting it and were making up new silly be better words that wasn't potty talk and we were laughing more then, so they finally realized that they could get a laugh, in a very different way! Those are the little guys! Now, if you don't catch that early enough...poof...you're in trouble and that is why things are so out of hand with some of these kids...habits have been formed too and trying to see how to "rule" over parents and teachers becomes a fun sort of force game and everyone keeps losing because these kids are still having to learn no real consequences!
Well, the only other think I would add, is my main mistake really, was saying no to too many things. Yes, that can be a mistake in the sense that you don't listen enough first OR another mistake is saying their name alot...kids can learn to tune out things and get into alot of selective hearing if your are too much the way I was in the early days...but I honestly didn't know better. I love some of your posts in that we can always keep learning
from each other, Rosemary. I hope others who need to stop giving into all of their kid's whims and disrespect reads your post and they may make a change in their parenting. Good post, hon! :)
I would like to comment on your first story in the post.
Although I think ultimately parents are the ones who should be teaching right and wrong behavior, I hope that school did more than just expel the boy. (E.g. counseling, and parent conferences.)
I absolutely agree. I substitute at highschools and see the same sort of thing. Only difference is the kids hit and kick thier teachers. This actually happened 2 weeks before school let out for the summer. The teacher was hospitalized when 6 students jumped her.
My husband is a teacher. What makes it even worse is that a) the parents dont care or b) they defend their child and say that the teacher must have done something to provoke the child!
Before reading other comments, I only wish to state the obvious problem with children (among other things in the world): We've lost commone sense.
I read that article, and my heart broke for that family. As you say, the situation is very complex. Why is a kid THAT angry? Why does he act out that much? Did the teacher, who knew he had a troubled past, blame too quickly? Did they really find out what had happened?
Having boundaries, experiencing consequences for behavior, learning responsibility, contributing to the family, learning right from wrong, serving others, and experiencing much affection and unconditional love!--ah, a big responsibility for parents to give all of this. It is hard enough for anyone, but if you never experienced it yourself, it's really a tall order. I do think, too, that you are right, Rose. The "experts" have given us some bad advice, and I see a lot of parents doubting themselves and time-honored wisdom.
More to pray for! More reason to keep fighting for families! More reason to keep supporting one another and sharing the Lord !
That's just one of the reasons I enjoy your blog so much--I've learned a lot from you about parenting--and the proof is in your great kids! Pat
Barb, yup. Totally agree.
Suzanne, yes, I've been guilty of that too. Seems to me parenting is like trying to stay on a road and despite our best efforts we do hit the curb sometimes.
Munchkins, I hope so too. The kid is only ten for heaven's sakes. They did have a conference with his mom. Clearly the family would be well served by counseling. Something! they can't just write him off at ten!
drea, I've heard that too. Ridiculous.
a.d. That's unbelievable. Did this stuff happen thirty years ago?
JOT. That' it. where's the common sense?
Pat, you wisely point out that there are many elements to good parenting. You should know, being a very experienced and successful mom. Two daughters in the convent. Can't argue with that. Would love to hear more of your ideas. Maybe you could write a guest post here?
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