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These are some of my teens.
(Actually, all of these kids are mine. Three of them are teens.)
(I hope I haven't written about this before....oh dear, please tell me if I have.)
A wise friend of mine who has many children once gave me this advice.
To get teens to talk you need to hang out in the same room with them. If they're reading a book you sit in the same room and do the same. Don't say anything. Just do what they're doing. If they're watching TV you sit and do the same. If they're having a snack, you have one at the same table. A cup of tea? You have one too. Don't try to push them to talk. Just kind of be there and act like you have all the time in the world.
It can take a little while. You might have to sit there mostly in silence for 15 or 20 or more minutes. The longer you sit the more comfortable they start to feel. Eventually, a lot of teens (not all) will start to talk. They might tell you about what's going on in their life. Or they might talk about what's going on in a friend's life, which often provides even more opportunities to talk about life, values, good judgement, etc. They may even talk about their faith life which can be the best discussions of all.
I have found this to be very good advice and I have listened to a lot of teens as a result of this suggestion. Unfortunately, especially for older moms, these discussions often happen at night, sometimes even late at night. I remember once sitting at our dining room table waiting for one of my teens to talk. I was SO tired. I thought I'm giving him 15 minutes. Then I'm going to bed. Sure enough. He started talking before that and I gained a lot of very good parenting information regarding some family dynamics.
As I'm sure all my mommy-blogging friends know, parenting takes time. In some ways teenagers require less care. But in others ways they take lots of time, like time spent just sitting there and sitting there, waiting for them to talk. My experience has been that it's well worth the wait.
11 comments:
Great advice I will tuck in my heart for my "when this happens" . . . my eldest begins high school this year. My girl will be thirteen this December. Oy vey! Anyway, I'm hardly ever in a room without a book. he he.
Wow, that is some great advise I think I'll start using on my 17 year old neice. I am keeping that one in my advice book! (I got one when I was married and I add things I want to remember to do in it)
I don't have teenagers yet but I am keeping a file in my head for advice on how to parent them when I do. Your advice on how to talk to teens is great. I will keep this in mind.
Kelly
Rosemary,
This is another seasoned piece of heartfelt wisdom..you knew I needed this part too...to go along with the other you helped me with.
Thank-you and God bless.
That's a good point, and true--I hadn't thought about it before, but it definitely works with Big Brother.
My older kids also say a lot in the car when we are driving somewhere. Maybe it makes them feel a little more comfortable when I am FACING something else, but still showing that I am listening to them.
JOT, thank you.
Lyndsie, what a great idea to keep an advice book like that.
thanks, SP.
Suzanne, I didn't know but glad you like it. I'm sure you could add to this post too with some of your own experience.
Barb, while driving, yeah, that is so true. I think facing something else is part of it. Working on a project together would be another example.
Ditto above! And I really like the haircuts!
Yesterday I was thinking about you on the way to my One on One session and ~lo and behold~who should I see driving North on 23 heading to Mass as I was driving south at 11:00 or so? That would be you~ actually I think it was Jim driving =0) WHAT are the odds???
And tomorrow I'm going to go see our good buddy, Walt =0).
Love,
Mary
Mary--LOL The picture is not too recent so I'm afraid those haircuts are gone. That's so funny that you saw me. I HAVE to get back to my one on one sessions. I've missed quite a few weeks.
Did you see that Pat M goes to Walt too? I'm surprised we haven't run into each other there.
Going to visit john tomorrow!!
That is really great advise!! You have such beautiful kids, Rosemary - WOW!
Take care - Kellan
wow, that is such great advice! I am goingo t have to remember that when we have kids that are older. Seriously, thanks
Thanks for visiting my blog! My boys are still young but I had my niece live with us the last 2 years of her high school days. It seemed like it was always late at night when I was waiting up for her she'd come in full of energy ready to talk about everything going on in her life. Definitely something I need to remember for my boys!
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