What a difference a day makes...

Yesterday my father said he wanted all the tubes removed and that he wanted to die. This was in the morning. As the day went on we talked to him again about the future and he wasn't so clear. He even said that, yes, he wanted to die, but then added "for now..." This assessing of a desire to live on the part of a person on life support is very difficult. Anyone who feels awful might say "I want to die" and really mean it at that moment, but only because their judgment is clouded by the suffering or depression of the moment. We finally decided that Dad was having mixed feelings, was certainly down, and that he wasn't thinking clearly enough to be making life and death decisions. It was a very scary time.

I think it's very important that very ill and debilitated people like my father understand and be told that their life still has value. I told him that his life was still very precious to me even on the ventilator. I told him that his life still had value and that everybody who loves him still thinks so. I gave him some examples too of how he could still enjoy his grandchildren even in his condition-- we could still watch football games together and he could still hear them play music. Then I added that "that being said, I don't know what it feels like to be in your condition and you are under no obligation to continue to fight and to stay on the ventilator. If you want to give up, we'll support you. Just know that your life is still valuable." something to that effect. I think when a person is suffering that much, if they are not reminded of the value with which others regard their life, it would be very easy to decide it would just be better for everybody for them to just die.

So... the good news...today he was much better. He smiled a lot and said (mouthed) some funny things. For the last two days he has been on minimal assist (cpap) from the ventilator all day long and just on full assist at night to give him a rest. When he heard that he mouthed, "better than I thought." Today I asked the nurse how she thought he was doing. She said he's doing fine. I asked if she though he was improving and she said unequivocally "yes, but he has a long way to go." I asked if he was making small incremental steps in the right direction and she said he definitely was. I went in to my dad's room and told him exactly what she had said and he put a fist in the air (like a gesture of triumph).

This is not to say that there might not come a day when it is clear that my father will not recover and he might decide he wants the vent turned off. But I do believe that suffering is redemptive and that all human life is valuable and purposeful. I wonder how many times people have been pulled off "life support" because they were having a bad day or because no one told them that all life has meaning, even and maybe especially, life in a state of debilitation.

Thank you all for your prayers and kind words. I have no doubt of their effect and I thank God for all of you.